Kate Walser from @lilbirdyphotography had this amazing vision where people would allow her to come into their nests and capture the REAL moments; no posing and no planning. She calls this a "NEST SESSION". We are so honored to have had the chance to let her come into our sacred nest and spend the day with us. <3
Melanie and I decided that once Ero was ready, she would be staying home with Jax and I. I am still breastfeeding Jax- not as much as before but I still nurse him to sleep at night, before his naps, and randomly for comfort. Naturally my body regulates the amount of milk I produce with how much Jax consumes. He eats 3 meals a day and snacks as well so of course my milk supply is not as much as Melanie's, since Ero is exclusively breastfed. We have read that the best way to get your milk supply up is to nurse as often as you can. One day I had Melanie leave Ero home with me while she went to work so I can nurse her, in hopes of sending my body the signal to produce more milk.
The day Ero stayed home with us was a Friday and it was a breeze! We both were surprised! We didn't think it was going to be such an easy transition. The plan was for Melanie to pump while at work so that she doesn't stop producing milk, except she had left her power cord at home lol. Worried that she would become extremely engorged, Mel had her mom drop off the power cord. She took Jax along for the ride and on the way back she picked up lunch. For a good 3 hours it was just Ero and I. Oh how sweet it was :) I mean it was probably the first time I was able to have Ero completely to myself. I nursed her to sleep and snuggled with her, breathing her in. I didn't run into any difficulty until around 3pm when I went to feed her and she cried as if no milk was being expressed from my breast. Luckily ten minutes later Melanie came home and was able to feed her. Through out that weekend Mel and I would switch off with nursing Ero, again so that my body can increase milk production.
We both thought, since it went so well on Friday that I could stay with Ero again on Monday. Woah were we wrong! What we didn't take into consideration was that on Friday my mother-in-law took Jax for a good 3 hours after his first nap so it was almost as if I was only with one and not two. This time around I had both Jax and Ero all day, all alone. Boy what a big difference does that make. Especially when both babies are still breastfeeding. When it came time to nurse Ero, Jax would get super clingy and point at my chest asking for boob too. I wanted to wait until after I nursed Ero to give Jax milk, and because I made him wait he cried. I didn't blame him, after all in his eyes I only nursed him. He has never had to share me or his milk. It hurt me because I didn't want him to think I didn't understand that he was communicating to me that he wanted milk or that I was ignoring him. I then tried playing with him using his toys, that would work for a minute and then he would look at me and see his sister latched on me, naturally it made him want to nurse too. I don't know how I did it but I finally was able to get through Ero's feeding and put her down. I then carried Jax and nursed him. Whatever milk I had left after Ero he surely finished because after a while you can tell he was just latched for comfort. He must have felt a need to "reclaim" his territory because he was latched for about 40 minutes. Anytime I would pull away he would cry. I didn't mind having him on me and sharing that time but I was afraid that he was drinking all my milk supply and there wouldn't be any for Ero when she wakes.
It was around 12:30 when I had just finished making lunch for Jax and I- while Ero was asleep and my little man was playing in his play room. As we sat down to eat, Ero woke up ready for her lunch. I put her to my breast and she just kept crying. She would latch on and after a few she would burst out in tears and frustration. I was almost sure she wasn't getting any milk. My body wasn't producing as much or as fast to keep up with the demand of TWO babies! I was holding back tears. I felt horrible. Here I had my daughter crying and I was unable to nourish her. This literally broke my heart. I then went into the freezer and thawed out some of Melanie's frozen boobie milk, put it in a bottle and attempted to feed Ero. This was a fail, she hated the bottle, how could she not? She likes the warmth of our bodies and our scent and she had none of these things with a plastic bottle. I kept trying to feed her with a bottle and with my boob, she would only stop crying once she felt my breast but then cry because no milk was being expressed. She finally fell asleep- I think because of exhaustion. I felt so sad, I called Mel and explained everything to her, a few minutes later she came home.
I broke down when we talked. We believe strongly that babies pick up on vibes and so I held in a lot while I was alone with them that when I was talking to Mel and telling her what went wrong I cried. I just kept picturing Ero's cries, knowing she was trying to tell me she was hungry and I couldn't do anything to comfort her. I told Melanie that I couldn't do it this way. That first day was easy because it was only Ero and I. I only had to feed one mouth as opposed to two. My body is use to one, it was capable of handling one... But two mouths to feed at the same time? I couldn't do it.
After talking we decide to take a different route. That maybe just jumping into it wasn't the best choice. So I am now making sure I eat 3 meals a day and snacks in between. I'm increasing my water intake and starting to take my prenatal vitamins again. All while pumping a few times a day in addition to nursing Ero a few times in the evening when they get home from work. We just closed on our house five days ago and it has taken up most of our time but yesterday I developed a "ball" in my boob, aka clogged milk duct. Lol I normally hate these because they are extremely painful but they usually happen because there was a change in my nursing schedule and there is more milk that is being produced than what is being consumed. So of course I was pretty happy :). We will be trying to leave Ero again with me this Friday. Hopefully it runs smoothly. Breastfeeding is a huge commitment and can be very difficult but we believe that it is just as rewarding if not more and super beneficial for our two angels. Wish me luck! :)
Jax latches on to Vanessa so perfectly. He plays with her hair as his big almond-shaped eyes just gaze up at hers. I could watch them for hours. Their chemistry was addicting. The bond they shared was indescribable; it was different than anything I had ever shared with him. I was jealous; I wanted to connect with him on a different level. Could it be the fact that I am a MOTHER and that is why I wanted to share that connection or do fathers get this feeling of jealousy as well? Don't mistaken my words, my baby boy loves me unconditionally; it is just that Vanessa is his complete source of nourishment and comfort, and I can't compete with that.
As the second pregnant mother in a lesbian relationship, people were curious as to whether or not we would take turns feeding both Jax and Ero. We always responded to them with eagerness, "yes of course we will take turns!" I couldn't wait to finally feel that nursing bond with Jax.
After getting the hang of breastfeeding our little princess Ero, I decided to attempt to nurse Jax. I look over at Jax and I sign "milk"? -Side note: We introduced the signs "milk" and "eat" when Jax was about 7 months in hopes that we can start some communication between us. He doesn't really sign to us when he is hungry but we can ask him if he wants to "eat" or drink "milk" by signing and he understands.- So again, I look over at him and I sign "milk"? He walks over to me, (my eyes widened and my heart started racing) he points to my chest ... and ... then ... starts to back up quickly in confusion. DECLINED. He was not having it. You could tell that he didn't understand what was going on. I was sad but I get it; for a year (his whole life) he has only ever nursed from Vanessa so how could I expect him to all of a sudden be okay with nursing from me?
I would try again every couple of days but it was always the same thing; he would make a funny/confused face and quickly walk away. I decided to give it a try during our sleep since he just rolls over to nurse for a couple minutes throughout the night. IT WORKED! He latched on and nursed himself back to sleep. (Of course he had his eyes closed, if not he would have fussed and asked for Vanessa).
Yesterday afternoon Vanessa had stepped out for about 45 minutes while Jax and Ero were napping. Shortly after she left, Jax woke up (usually after his naps he wants to nurse). I tried to be as nonchalant as possible so I pulled my shirt down and I signed "milk". He walked over to me, sat on my lap, turned towards me and latched on. I was in shock. I didn't want to move. I just thought "maybe he is half asleep and thinks I am Vanessa, but let me savor this moment as long as possible." I couldn't believe it. Today as Vanessa was changing Ero's diaper, Jax was getting fussy so I sat on the carpet with him and after asking him if he wanted milk, without hesitation he just latched on and began to nurse from me.
FINALLY! I have been waiting for him to be okay with this for almost 3 months now. I am pretty sure that him watching me feed Ero constantly is what helped ease me in. Whatever it was, it feels amazing to be able to share these moments with him now. Within a few weeks, Ero will start staying home with Vanessa and at that time she will be nursing her until I get home from work. This is going to be very hard for me. Not that I don't want Vanessa to nurse Ero, its just that those are my most precious moments with her and I will soon have to be letting those go for half of our days.
From the first time Ero latched I could feel this energy being transferred from her eyes to mine. I just birthed this beautiful little soul and from one second to the next I become her everything. I loved being able to have my special nursing moments with my baby girl. Vanessa instantly wanted to begin to nurse Ero; since she knew how amazing the bond of a nursing momma and her baby feels. I didn't want her to. I didn't want this feeling to go away. I wanted to be the one that Ero cries for and I wanted to be the only one that could put her to sleep. I know this sounds completely selfish but if you are a nursing momma I am sure you understand. I am so grateful that Vanessa understands the feeling I was having and is allowing me to keep this going for as long as I can.
Only 2 more weeks of me being her one and only, but I am so glad that Vanessa will soon get to breath her in.