Jax latches on to Vanessa so perfectly. He plays with her hair as his big almond-shaped eyes just gaze up at hers. I could watch them for hours. Their chemistry was addicting. The bond they shared was indescribable; it was different than anything I had ever shared with him. I was jealous; I wanted to connect with him on a different level. Could it be the fact that I am a MOTHER and that is why I wanted to share that connection or do fathers get this feeling of jealousy as well? Don't mistaken my words, my baby boy loves me unconditionally; it is just that Vanessa is his complete source of nourishment and comfort, and I can't compete with that.
As the second pregnant mother in a lesbian relationship, people were curious as to whether or not we would take turns feeding both Jax and Ero. We always responded to them with eagerness, "yes of course we will take turns!" I couldn't wait to finally feel that nursing bond with Jax.
After getting the hang of breastfeeding our little princess Ero, I decided to attempt to nurse Jax. I look over at Jax and I sign "milk"? -Side note: We introduced the signs "milk" and "eat" when Jax was about 7 months in hopes that we can start some communication between us. He doesn't really sign to us when he is hungry but we can ask him if he wants to "eat" or drink "milk" by signing and he understands.- So again, I look over at him and I sign "milk"? He walks over to me, (my eyes widened and my heart started racing) he points to my chest ... and ... then ... starts to back up quickly in confusion. DECLINED. He was not having it. You could tell that he didn't understand what was going on. I was sad but I get it; for a year (his whole life) he has only ever nursed from Vanessa so how could I expect him to all of a sudden be okay with nursing from me?
I would try again every couple of days but it was always the same thing; he would make a funny/confused face and quickly walk away. I decided to give it a try during our sleep since he just rolls over to nurse for a couple minutes throughout the night. IT WORKED! He latched on and nursed himself back to sleep. (Of course he had his eyes closed, if not he would have fussed and asked for Vanessa).
Yesterday afternoon Vanessa had stepped out for about 45 minutes while Jax and Ero were napping. Shortly after she left, Jax woke up (usually after his naps he wants to nurse). I tried to be as nonchalant as possible so I pulled my shirt down and I signed "milk". He walked over to me, sat on my lap, turned towards me and latched on. I was in shock. I didn't want to move. I just thought "maybe he is half asleep and thinks I am Vanessa, but let me savor this moment as long as possible." I couldn't believe it. Today as Vanessa was changing Ero's diaper, Jax was getting fussy so I sat on the carpet with him and after asking him if he wanted milk, without hesitation he just latched on and began to nurse from me.
FINALLY! I have been waiting for him to be okay with this for almost 3 months now. I am pretty sure that him watching me feed Ero constantly is what helped ease me in. Whatever it was, it feels amazing to be able to share these moments with him now. Within a few weeks, Ero will start staying home with Vanessa and at that time she will be nursing her until I get home from work. This is going to be very hard for me. Not that I don't want Vanessa to nurse Ero, its just that those are my most precious moments with her and I will soon have to be letting those go for half of our days.
From the first time Ero latched I could feel this energy being transferred from her eyes to mine. I just birthed this beautiful little soul and from one second to the next I become her everything. I loved being able to have my special nursing moments with my baby girl. Vanessa instantly wanted to begin to nurse Ero; since she knew how amazing the bond of a nursing momma and her baby feels. I didn't want her to. I didn't want this feeling to go away. I wanted to be the one that Ero cries for and I wanted to be the only one that could put her to sleep. I know this sounds completely selfish but if you are a nursing momma I am sure you understand. I am so grateful that Vanessa understands the feeling I was having and is allowing me to keep this going for as long as I can.
Only 2 more weeks of me being her one and only, but I am so glad that Vanessa will soon get to breath her in.